••• Fear not! When the French empire rises anew, your child shall be ready, because Upper West Side French language school La Petite Ecole is opening at 45 White this September.

••• Farther east on White Street, the new building (and another former parking lot) at 84-86 White has begun going up.

••• Salsa pianist and bandleader Eddie Palmieri plays a free show at Rockefeller Park tonight at 7 p.m. as part of the River to River Festival. Hydrate yourself.

••• The River to River Festival put out a release today about that pop-up gallery in the Conrad (down the block from Blue Smoke): “This two-part exhibition […] provides audiences with a rare opportunity to experience two iconic, yet distinctively different spaces in New York City’s varying built environment, merging into one transformative experience.” One of those spaces is Governors Island; the other is… the Conrad? “Transforming Function features artists who—by excavating the fields of technology, science, architecture and/or design—repurpose theoretical tools, virtual platforms and formal techniques to inform their diverse conceptual and aesthetic investigations.” There’s more, but I’d suggest you just go see it if you like that kind of thing.

••• Thanks to David Weiss for commenting that the Club Remix signs at Park Place and Church haven’t just been taken down—they’ve been replaced by ones for something called Quest. There isn’t much online about it yet, but I did find the invite for tonight’s grand opening party. Besides the image below, the Bomb Parties website has the following info. (I added some punctuation for clarity—and then I went to town on it. Sorry if it just seems too bitchy, but come on.) “QUEST. The aspect of travel that allows the storyteller to showcase exotic locations.” That’s not what ‘quest’ means at all. “With that being said, we welcome you to experience New York’s newest and most breathtaking destination…” …in a basement! “Beautiful decor from floor to ceiling. QUEST is an all new venue attracting New York’s most trendy and stylish individuals.” Perhaps you meant “repelling”? “With a state of the art Laser/Lighting/Sound System, Quest Comes complete with a 52inch Bar”—it’s less than five feet?—”located in the main Room with over 30 plush Luxury Vip areas,”—at which point they’re not exactly VIP areas—”40inch TV screen’s surrounding this beautifully decorated new establishment.” It sounds beautifully decorated. “Though smaller, the “Red”Room equally matches Quest’s larger area”—except in size—”containing many plush VIP sections,”—no doubt—”Tv screen’s and amazing Laser/Light and Sound System with a separate bar for Private events. Quest also comes well-appointed with a vast selection of food and flavorful selection of Hookah.” Or something like that? “7 days a week all for your enjoyment.” And the neighbors just started crying tears of blood. “MUSIC BY DJ BIG BEN & DJ LYVE Alongside DJ PRO-C, Spinning the Best in Top 40′ RnB Classic Throw Backs Hip Hop & More. No Cover For All Guests. LIVE COMEDY Starring The World Famous Comedian “TALENT” & FRIENDS.” THOSE QUOTATION MARKS ARE THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE READ IN A WEEK. ” The Jokes Starts At 6PM Sharp!” Or right now, if we’re being precise. “Happy Hour Specials 4:30-7:30PM. $4 Beers $4 Appetizers $5 Drinks $5 Wines $5 shots. $60 Carafes Of Long Island Ice Tea, Sex On The Beach & Others Available. $90 Carafes + Food Platter+ Champagne Bottle Or Beer Bucket Packages Available For Table.” Beer Bucket. Trust me.

I don’t think I’ll go, but I encourage someone else to (and report back). You can RSVP through the Bomb website. I left a message at the Remix number that worked yesterday, but I wouldn’t be surprised if no one called back. Especially not if they read this first.