The funniest piece of writing I’ve read in a long time was the “Cool bro needed to break in a pair of Rainbows” ad posted on Craigslist back in June. The same writer—it just has to be—has graced us again, and there’s enough Tribeca specificity that I’m posting the whole thing here. Bravo! (P.S. Thanks to T. for alerting me to it.)

UPDATE: Thanks to Drew Acuff for pointing out that the writer is Sydney Hollis. Keep it up, Sydney!

Bro, where’d you get that weekender? – m4m (TriBeCa)

You were in Kaffe 1668 slammin’ a sick ass $12 cold pressed D Tox Green juice this morning so I know you like to rage on weeknights, probably at Warren 77 or after hours at Macao Trading Company. I could also tell you “get it” because you had a copy of the Financial Times, not AM New York like the service industry/construction worker trash that finds their way in there. And that weekender you were carrying, oh that weekender. That’s what I’m here for… Where the fuck did you get that bag?

Look, I’m not sure if this is the right place for this ad, I’m not into dudes. I mean the closest I’ve ever come to being into dudes was thinking Demi Moore was hot in “G.I. Jane,” but I am a “man seeking another man” after a missed connection so this is where this ad belongs. Seriously where the hell did you get that duffel? It was canvas, it had leather straps, it was the perfect size for one and a half changes of clothes as well as my essentials from the Art of Shaving, not Dollar Shave Club obvi, I mean, this is a weekender not a JanSport.

What brand of bag is it? It isn’t a Herschel because you’re not a wannabe hipster strangely trying to look like you’re still in middle school. It’s not a Jack Spade cause you’re not some 50 year-old husband trying to match his wife’s off trend handbag from Jack Spade’s sister company. Is it an Orvis? Surely not, the only dudes that rock Orvis are dentists from Short Hills, NJ whose idea of a big Saturday night is driving into the city to go to Wolfgang’s… 2010 called, it wants it’s Saab back. Could it be a Barbour? You were wearing a Barbour jacket so it would’ve been bold to don a Barbour jacket and bag at the same time, but then again I ALWAYS pull off wearing Tom Ford shoes, ties, shirts, belts and sunglasses at the same time so hey man, I get it. Is it an Ettinger? Fuck man, I didn’t even know what an Ettinger was until I did a few Google searches. Have I been living under a rock? Have I been so focused on what font to have my monograms stitched in that I never learned about Ettinger? Tell me it’s an Ettinger, none of my boys have those and I’d be the cock of the walk.

Anyway, I hope this ad finds you. I must find out about this bag. You could just email me the brand and model, or you could come on a fall colors cruise with me and my bros up the Hudson. We’re gonna destroy some pumpkin beer and nips from the flask I bought on Gilt. To show you I’m a man of taste here’s a pic of the shaker I got with my Tumi collection. Message me with what you ordered at Kaffe 1668 besides your juice so I know it’s you and not some artsy Tribeca leftover from the 80s. And to just stop you serfs out there from even attempting to respond to this post it wasn’t the cheap “coffee of the day,” GDIs.

-Collie

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