A Funny Thing Happened…

“All-time classic at Dunkin Donuts on Chambers this morning,” emailed Milo Hess. “Guy comes in and asks what kind of bagels they have. Clerk says we have everything. Guy says OK, give me an everything with cream cheese. Clerk says we don’t have everything. Guy says you just said you have everything? The clerk again says we have everything. Guy says forget it—just give me a fucking plain bagel. I’ll make it simple for you.”

Last time I ran a post of highlights from my journal of odd/amusing interactions around here—akin to the New York Times’s “Metropolitan Diary,” but not lame—the reader who goes by Hudson River suggested we make it a regular feature with contributions from readers just like you. Which I thought was a terrific idea! And then Milo sent in the wonderful story above, and I figured it was time to pull the trigger. But first, a few rules.

1. If I tell you that I don’t think your anecdote warrants inclusion, please don’t take it personally. I don’t relish saying no, but that’s what makes good editing.
2. I’ll edit for clarity, length, and general zestiness, and I’ll run changes by you first. You’ll choose how you’re credited, if at all.
3. Resist the temptation to make the moment better than it was. The truth is always the best.

Now let’s have fun with this! Send submissions to tribecacitizen@gmail.com.



  1. Can you start with editing out the “F” word?? Time and time again I see this in your writing and its just unprofessional even if its a direct quote.

    • Can you stop acting like a nanny?

      1. Erick posted only what was sent to him.

      2. It’s Erik’s blog so he can post whatever he wants on it.

      If someone told me to “just give me a fucking plain bagel – I’ll make it real simple for you” i.e. talked to me rudely and like I was a child, I’d tell him “No, get out of here, get a plain bagel somewhere else, and don’t come back until you GET some manners. Have I made it real fucking simple for you?” Let him report me to my boss.

      It’d have been a funny anecdote if the wiseass didn’t turn into a nasty condescending jerk.

    • It’s funny — the other day, I wrote “hell” and then changed it to “heck,” because I didn’t want to offend.

      I do take issue with the “time and time again” part, because when I search the word on the site, I get a server at Belle Reve saying it, a CB1 member saying it, the owner of a Tribeca restaurant in the 1980s saying it, people in “Welcome to TweeBeCa” saying it, writer Sydney Hollis saying it, Marc Forgione (via Eater) saying it, and so on. I use it in my speech more than I’d like, but I don’t actually write it on the site (with the sole exception of a “Photo Safari” caption referencing a famous McSweeney’s essay). I do quote it when it’s relevant, and every one of those usages is.

  2. Great DD story… and it’s perfect as is.
    Lighten up Francis

  3. Fantastic story! Laughed out loud.

  4. I think there are times when the use of the “f” word is appropriate and helps to give life to the phrase. This is one of those cases.

    Anonymous needs to fucking lighten up. (that time, it was probably not necessary)

  5. Fucking awesome. Keep the fucking anecdotes coming. They’re fucking hilarious.

    Had to.